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controlling fear of control
Aug. 16th, 2005 02:21 pmOne of the women in group recently was talking about an issue that meshed with me from the other side. She was upstairs and saw her toddler walking around with a sharp pencil, got scared and hollered down to her husband to take it away, he looked up, looked at the kid, and said "he's fine" so she ran down stairs, took the pencil away and was upset that he would ignore her fears like that.
I had that fight dozens of times with nancy.
I could imagine being him all too clearly, you're doing something and the kid you are supposed to be watching starts to do something modestly dangerous and then all of the sudden your wife is screaming at you with that voice, that parental scold demanding immediate action from you. I (and apparently he) don't react well in situations like that. There's an immediate sense of shame at someone else pointing out a problem you should be aware of, calling your judgement, maturity, and capability into question and finding it wanting for letting it happen and not doing anything about it. Following that so closely you don't even really become aware of that feeling and just respond defensively, minimizing the danger, implying they're over reacting, and going into full passive mode.
Intellectually, it's obvious that what's motivating the screetch in the first place is fear but emotionally I react like it's a grab for control of the situation. It might not even be a situation with much obvious control content, but especially when the person you're married to has general control issues in the first place the sudden exacerbation that that tone just triggers a knee jerk response in me like someone had just cracked a whip over my head.
The suggestion we eventually came up with is to see if she could let more of her fear through in her voice in those kinds of situations, push up the opportuntity for him to come to the rescue and be a hero. For her to actively cede control of the situation to him.
I had that fight dozens of times with nancy.
I could imagine being him all too clearly, you're doing something and the kid you are supposed to be watching starts to do something modestly dangerous and then all of the sudden your wife is screaming at you with that voice, that parental scold demanding immediate action from you. I (and apparently he) don't react well in situations like that. There's an immediate sense of shame at someone else pointing out a problem you should be aware of, calling your judgement, maturity, and capability into question and finding it wanting for letting it happen and not doing anything about it. Following that so closely you don't even really become aware of that feeling and just respond defensively, minimizing the danger, implying they're over reacting, and going into full passive mode.
Intellectually, it's obvious that what's motivating the screetch in the first place is fear but emotionally I react like it's a grab for control of the situation. It might not even be a situation with much obvious control content, but especially when the person you're married to has general control issues in the first place the sudden exacerbation that that tone just triggers a knee jerk response in me like someone had just cracked a whip over my head.
The suggestion we eventually came up with is to see if she could let more of her fear through in her voice in those kinds of situations, push up the opportuntity for him to come to the rescue and be a hero. For her to actively cede control of the situation to him.
