controlling fear of control
Aug. 16th, 2005 02:21 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
litchOne of the women in group recently was talking about an issue that meshed with me from the other side. She was upstairs and saw her toddler walking around with a sharp pencil, got scared and hollered down to her husband to take it away, he looked up, looked at the kid, and said "he's fine" so she ran down stairs, took the pencil away and was upset that he would ignore her fears like that.
I had that fight dozens of times with nancy.
I could imagine being him all too clearly, you're doing something and the kid you are supposed to be watching starts to do something modestly dangerous and then all of the sudden your wife is screaming at you with that voice, that parental scold demanding immediate action from you. I (and apparently he) don't react well in situations like that. There's an immediate sense of shame at someone else pointing out a problem you should be aware of, calling your judgement, maturity, and capability into question and finding it wanting for letting it happen and not doing anything about it. Following that so closely you don't even really become aware of that feeling and just respond defensively, minimizing the danger, implying they're over reacting, and going into full passive mode.
Intellectually, it's obvious that what's motivating the screetch in the first place is fear but emotionally I react like it's a grab for control of the situation. It might not even be a situation with much obvious control content, but especially when the person you're married to has general control issues in the first place the sudden exacerbation that that tone just triggers a knee jerk response in me like someone had just cracked a whip over my head.
The suggestion we eventually came up with is to see if she could let more of her fear through in her voice in those kinds of situations, push up the opportuntity for him to come to the rescue and be a hero. For her to actively cede control of the situation to him.
I had that fight dozens of times with nancy.
I could imagine being him all too clearly, you're doing something and the kid you are supposed to be watching starts to do something modestly dangerous and then all of the sudden your wife is screaming at you with that voice, that parental scold demanding immediate action from you. I (and apparently he) don't react well in situations like that. There's an immediate sense of shame at someone else pointing out a problem you should be aware of, calling your judgement, maturity, and capability into question and finding it wanting for letting it happen and not doing anything about it. Following that so closely you don't even really become aware of that feeling and just respond defensively, minimizing the danger, implying they're over reacting, and going into full passive mode.
Intellectually, it's obvious that what's motivating the screetch in the first place is fear but emotionally I react like it's a grab for control of the situation. It might not even be a situation with much obvious control content, but especially when the person you're married to has general control issues in the first place the sudden exacerbation that that tone just triggers a knee jerk response in me like someone had just cracked a whip over my head.
The suggestion we eventually came up with is to see if she could let more of her fear through in her voice in those kinds of situations, push up the opportuntity for him to come to the rescue and be a hero. For her to actively cede control of the situation to him.
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Date: 2005-08-16 08:10 pm (UTC)control and *that* tone of voice.
ugh.
Uh, damn: forgive my "lion tamer" tendencies. . .
Date: 2005-08-20 03:43 am (UTC)You know, I hardly know, on most days, like what type of tone of voice I'm using for anything. Today, with so much on my mind and with everything that has been going on, well, one of my coworkers took offense to my tone in responding to him about "something" (like I even remember. whatever it was, well, it was small and insignificant and thus. . .)
I had to tell him: DUDE! Trust me: given all the things going on in my life right now, forgive my funky tone, but please understand that it has absolutely NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU!
Then i told him about my week and he felt bad that he just projected his, well, own ego and insecurities onto my "tone" as if my world and every thing I had to say truly had something to do with him. I mean, in the end, he ended up apologizing to me for "projecting" onto me as if I was so wrapped up into "him" that I would really care to talk to him in a certain way as to berate him when, quite frankly, my "tone" was about just wanting to be left alone.
So, i guess I'm saying: please don't be so quick to misinterpret some things that, perhaps, may not have anything to do with you.
And I hope I haven't "projected" because I know I can be funky. . .even to those I truly care about. What's that expression/cliche? You only hurt the ones you love. . .?
Uh. . .isn't Nancy a Virgo?
Date: 2005-08-20 04:53 am (UTC)If so: (see me chuckle in a way that reminds me why I cannot date Virgos! LOL!!!! Shit, for the two I had in my life it was all about their having the "key" or so called "answer" to fucking damn near everything (see my eyes roll) and what I mean by that is that Virgos are very, very much about their own particular image of "perfection." Oh and don't you dare change up on whatever that idea is --- it will rock their world in a way that sometimes makes Virgos seem unncessarily or realistically uptight?
I had a great poet friend, E. B., a classmate who threw down a great party once. This is true: She totally tripped on how I had put some beers in her refrigerator. I was amazed that she went on to spend like, I don't know, about 5 minutes at least rearranging the beers in the frig to where they were "just right", while giving me side glances to suggest I was some idiot.
Never mind the whole damage thing was totally fucked up and rearranged when another classmate along and took a few beers out and --- voila! she had to rearrange the fridge again.
Some of us just shrugged, took our brews out to the decks, ignored her and enjoyed our damn selves while she spent the majority of her time, at her own party, straight up "tripping!" LOL!!!!