Head 'splody

[litch]

So, to keep my head from exploding I started seeing a shrink again back when I was working for Lotus in 2001. I've seen shrinks off and on since I was in 6th grade when the school sent me to one for anger issues. Saw one again in college for more anger issues (not to mention the entire degree in psychology thing) and I tried again after I got married and we had our anger issues come up. Saw yet another after a couple years at lotus, about some anger issues that had come up at work.

I never found any of the people I saw up until I started seeing my current shrink very useful (the grad student I was directed to in college actually did help point out a lot of things, but our personalities never meshed). Some of that was I just wasn't in a place where I was capable of working on the underlying issues. A lot of it was lame ass incompetent shrinks.

Unlike them, the guy I am seeing now, Alan Griffen, has been really useful. He's retiring at the end of the month & I am not planning on seeing anyone else. I feel pretty good with where I am, and want to keep my own counsel for a while. I miss the anger sometimes though, that sounds so pathetic to my minds ear like I'm incapable of sustaining a hearty emotion anymore. But I've bought into the idea that the anger I had depended on for so much of my life is ineffective for getting some things I want and that the sense of power and strength and control it brought were illusory.

I am trying to look behind the anger these days, at the fear and the sadness that underlies the rich, verdant landscape of rage. It makes me feel wimpy a lot, but then that's a part of why I started getting so mad in the first place. I feel much less in danger of having my head explode.

Alan really rocks, he saw me through my two years of unemployment and been really cool while I have gotten my debts under control. But since he's retiring he'd like me to pay off what I owe him, so I applied for a 6k$ loan from the bank this morning

Comments

[penny246.livejournal.com]

Alan felt too much like a father figure to me... and I never agreed with some of his ideas but he is a great shrink. If you do find you want one later, Maite and I know 3 that are pretty good... let us know. I am glad if you are in a space where you feel healthy enough to not need a new one. That is an important step.

Read Laura (Riding) Jackson's "In Defence of Anger" re how anger is sometimes NECESSARY

[newblksusan.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure whether I have truly benefited from "anger management" therapy. Gone, indeed, are the days when I have EXPLODED without any regard for the consequences at, let's say a "superior" (fave moment is when I went off on Dr. P--- at HCCS ala, "Since you're NOT the person who signs my paycheck, I could give a f--k about what you think of me!"
She tried so very, very hard to get me fired behind that comment, but couldn't because, well, I am so damn good at what I do that far too many folks came to my defense. Dr. P--- and I are cool now and we can even joke (a wee bit) about that outburst, but I know that she would still love to wring my neck for having said it.
Especially since, after all, no apology was forthcoming.
I like what Laura (Riding) Jackson wrote about anger ala: it is an emotion that has been given a bad rap. She argues that anger is necessary if one is challenging, especially, a wrong, an injustice, etc. So she argues in support of anger on moralistic grounds, if you will.
Yet sometimes when I'm really angry (like right now for reasons you should be aware of it you read your most recent email from me and check out this completely racist insult I received from my immediate supervisor) it's just flat out a damn good thing. Yes, it's a damn good thing because anger serves to activate me to do things that I wouldn't dream of doing otherwise: like leaving and going elsewhere. Anger ignites a very intense "fire" within me that has motivated me to do many great and unbelivable things that some would think that I could not do. Anger is what prompts me to take the, "I'll-show-you-exactly-what-I'm-made-of-because-SUCCESS-is-the-best-revenge-and-I-can't-WAIT-until-the-day-comes-when-you-will-be-FORCED-to-eat-your-words!"
So think in terms of what "type" of anger you're referring to. I can't help but to get angry when I am the target of someone's racism or someone's ill advised stereotype. I'm still wondering (as my white coworkers are also wondering), per my boss' comments: "Like what in the f-ck was she thinking when she said that?" And it doesn't make me feel any better to know that she would have never, ever made a similar comment to someone who happened to share her complexion.
In other words, if I wasn't ANGRY I think I would accept lies from others. If I wasn't ANGRY I wouldn't look to do certain things that uplift myself from any number of situations so as to create a better one. If I were just mild-mannered and a "good ole girl" who just accepted whatever others doled out to me I would be some ultra passive chick that the whole world would feel free to bully around.
My daddy would never allow it. He was one very angry man and he used his anger to fight for the very best that he and his family deserved. Among other things, he taught me to never, ever get "angry" at anyone who called me a nigger. Said that anyone who called me that was, at the very least, being open and honest about their racism. Instead, he ordered me to get "angry" at the people who never call you a nigger, but they behave so as to treat you like one. That's when my father taught me that my anger was not only justified, but that I NOW had his permission to "kick that person's ass." And he wasn't referring to a physical altercation as much as he was referring to how I had to let the anger of the situation to propell me to some higher ground of action and determination.
Very wise words from Mr. John Arthur Essex, Jr. (oh, didn't you know "Howard" is a fiction as my last name?) if I do say so myself.
At any rate, congrats on having a new therapist. Perhaps Alan can teach you of positive ways to release and use your anger, much in the way my father taught me. Have a good one, Litch.