Self-disappointment

[litch]

I stopped by whole foods on my way in to work in a fruitless search for a meat pastry. As I left I found myself pondering the question of "do I love myself" and the knee-jerk reaction I have of saying "of course I do", wondering if I really do since it sounds a bit defensive in my minds ear. Tried "do I like myself" and had the same reaction (maybe a bit less vehemently) so I tried to fomulate it in a positive way and had a bit of a breakthrough.

I realized I do like and love myself but I am disappointed in myself, I just didn't turn out as good as I was hoping. Serious internalization of my parents apparent perceptions and mindset. While I like myself, I would like myself a lot more if I were just a bit more successful, disciplined, brave, accomplished, thin, energetic, eloquent, and all the other things I aspire towards.

It's particularly nasty since I have the sense that no matter how good I do something I am never going to be good enough, there is no level of performance I could reach where I could not wonder if I couldn't do just a little bit better. Writing about this is tough, it triggers so many memories from my adolescence and post-adolescence, how frustrated I was I could never seem to satisfy my parents (and I wonder now how much of that was me projecting this on them).

So how the hell do I get rid of the disappointment?

My current theory is that I need to try to set reasonable, rational expectations for myself. Respond postitively when I meet those expectations, and if I become aware of one of a lurking disappointment, drag it out of the shadows and laugh at it derisively. I have little ope this will work.

Comments

[jonabbey.livejournal.com]

I'm going through some similar things, in some ways. My judgement is that pulling disappointments out of the shadows and laughing at them won't work.. those disappointments are you, and you don't need to be laughed at any more than you have been, most especially not by yourself.

I think what you have to do is to feel them keenly, and grieve for them, and then let them pass away when you've felt what you need to feel for them.

I wish there was an easier way, but I don't believe there is. A lot of people get into psychological difficulty because they defend so much against what's inside them.

I know I do.

[godorion.livejournal.com]

From the Orkish Book of Wizdom - Stuff:3
Set your goals realistic to your success.
Set your success realistic to your happiness.

I'm not trying to sound like life is a bowl of cherries, I'm disappointed a lot. But learning to accept my failures as part of who I am helps me to achieve more successes by being able to see what areas I am weak in and avoiding letting the whole of what I am doing depend on achieving something in those weaknesses.

but that's just me...

[ce-luna.livejournal.com]

I have the sense that no matter how good I do something I am never going to be good enough, there is no level of performance I could reach where I could not wonder if I couldn't do just a little bit better.

I too live with this feeling almost every day of my life.

[sphinxie.livejournal.com]

But remember, you can't get a 100 on life, because it's an essay question.