Self-disappointment
Jul. 14th, 2005 05:19 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
litchI stopped by whole foods on my way in to work in a fruitless search for a meat pastry. As I left I found myself pondering the question of "do I love myself" and the knee-jerk reaction I have of saying "of course I do", wondering if I really do since it sounds a bit defensive in my minds ear. Tried "do I like myself" and had the same reaction (maybe a bit less vehemently) so I tried to fomulate it in a positive way and had a bit of a breakthrough.
I realized I do like and love myself but I am disappointed in myself, I just didn't turn out as good as I was hoping. Serious internalization of my parents apparent perceptions and mindset. While I like myself, I would like myself a lot more if I were just a bit more successful, disciplined, brave, accomplished, thin, energetic, eloquent, and all the other things I aspire towards.
It's particularly nasty since I have the sense that no matter how good I do something I am never going to be good enough, there is no level of performance I could reach where I could not wonder if I couldn't do just a little bit better. Writing about this is tough, it triggers so many memories from my adolescence and post-adolescence, how frustrated I was I could never seem to satisfy my parents (and I wonder now how much of that was me projecting this on them).
So how the hell do I get rid of the disappointment?
My current theory is that I need to try to set reasonable, rational expectations for myself. Respond postitively when I meet those expectations, and if I become aware of one of a lurking disappointment, drag it out of the shadows and laugh at it derisively. I have little ope this will work.
I realized I do like and love myself but I am disappointed in myself, I just didn't turn out as good as I was hoping. Serious internalization of my parents apparent perceptions and mindset. While I like myself, I would like myself a lot more if I were just a bit more successful, disciplined, brave, accomplished, thin, energetic, eloquent, and all the other things I aspire towards.
It's particularly nasty since I have the sense that no matter how good I do something I am never going to be good enough, there is no level of performance I could reach where I could not wonder if I couldn't do just a little bit better. Writing about this is tough, it triggers so many memories from my adolescence and post-adolescence, how frustrated I was I could never seem to satisfy my parents (and I wonder now how much of that was me projecting this on them).
So how the hell do I get rid of the disappointment?
My current theory is that I need to try to set reasonable, rational expectations for myself. Respond postitively when I meet those expectations, and if I become aware of one of a lurking disappointment, drag it out of the shadows and laugh at it derisively. I have little ope this will work.
