Anger is fear
Apr. 19th, 2005 10:32 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
litchYet another day I am pissy and easily irritable, more so than usual for those of you who wonder how that is different than any other day. I really am bored by how often it is a trope in my personality. I don't mind being mad, especially if I am mad about something meaningful or worthwhile. But the presented pale, penny-ante, prickly, peevish, paltry pathology pisses me off. My parents called it wandering around like a bear with a toothache. Being really angry makes me feel more powerful, more awake, more alive, this weak step-cousin just makes me feel more isolated and removed.
I signed the waiver of citation for my divorce yesterday, I sure that's a major factor. Quick recap of divorce; someone (nancy) petitions the court for divorce, the court then has to be sure the other party (me) is notified. By signing the waiver of citation I am saying I don't wish to contest the divorce. I actually signed the wrong part and did the global waiver, which means if she wanted to nancy could screw me to the wall since now she doesn't ever have to show me the formal petition.
My shrink is pretty adament that anger is the external active manifestation of fear. That expressions of anger are really initiated by fear. I'm usually not entirely convinced of that, but it holds together pretty consistently so I'm being forced to accept it. I had a real experience of that in my groupshrink last night. We were talking about stuff, one person had been avoiding dealing with their bills, to the point they wouldn't even open them so shrink was trying to convince them to bring their credit card statement to group and look at it in a supportive environment when they can safely enperience their fears and share the experience with the group but they're dragging their heels.
One of the other people got stirred up about someone being "forced" to share their financial information and I interjected with amazement that someone would feel confortable sharing the most intimate details of their emotional lives but find finances too private to share. This somehow morphed into me wanting to snoop into their finances and I started to feel very defensive and got very hostile and angry.
I realized much later that I was angry because I felt like I had been betrayed, tricked into exposing my feelings. I was scared because I felt like I had made myself vulnerable in the group and the others didn't share that vulnerability. I was also afraid that I had been inapproriate and the people in group thought I was bad, that they wouldn't like me anymore.
I signed the waiver of citation for my divorce yesterday, I sure that's a major factor. Quick recap of divorce; someone (nancy) petitions the court for divorce, the court then has to be sure the other party (me) is notified. By signing the waiver of citation I am saying I don't wish to contest the divorce. I actually signed the wrong part and did the global waiver, which means if she wanted to nancy could screw me to the wall since now she doesn't ever have to show me the formal petition.
My shrink is pretty adament that anger is the external active manifestation of fear. That expressions of anger are really initiated by fear. I'm usually not entirely convinced of that, but it holds together pretty consistently so I'm being forced to accept it. I had a real experience of that in my groupshrink last night. We were talking about stuff, one person had been avoiding dealing with their bills, to the point they wouldn't even open them so shrink was trying to convince them to bring their credit card statement to group and look at it in a supportive environment when they can safely enperience their fears and share the experience with the group but they're dragging their heels.
One of the other people got stirred up about someone being "forced" to share their financial information and I interjected with amazement that someone would feel confortable sharing the most intimate details of their emotional lives but find finances too private to share. This somehow morphed into me wanting to snoop into their finances and I started to feel very defensive and got very hostile and angry.
I realized much later that I was angry because I felt like I had been betrayed, tricked into exposing my feelings. I was scared because I felt like I had made myself vulnerable in the group and the others didn't share that vulnerability. I was also afraid that I had been inapproriate and the people in group thought I was bad, that they wouldn't like me anymore.
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fear and anger on Levinson's chart of emotions
Date: 2005-04-20 07:57 pm (UTC)Apathy <-> Grief <-> Fear <-> Lust <-> Anger <-> Pride
THEN
Courage <-> Acceptance <-> Peace
This is the chart of emotions presented by Lester Levinson, the creator of "the release technique", basically attaining through systematic letting go. It demonstrates the basic 2-way sequence people experience. Note that "lust" isn't just sexual - it's desire of all forms. Here's how it works: Someone violates a rule of yours, that invokes your pride, if you hang on to that, you get angry, if you hang on to that, you start wanting something to change, if it doesn't, you get scared it might not ever, then you grieve for your loss, then you numb yourself from all feeling and become apathetic.
OR, someone violates a rule of yours, you have courage that you can face this violation and remain safe, you begin to accept what is, and you eventually come to peace.
If you buy into this, the good thing about anger is that it's only 2 steps away from courage, which is the first emotion on the "positive" side - across the abyss between AGFLAP and CAP. So you have much less to let go of when you're angry than you do when you're apathetic. Doesn't make it easy, but it makes the light at the end of the tunnel a bit brighter.