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Jun. 29th, 2005 07:29 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
litchI've been angry today. Finding my coworkers irksome, customers inane, friends dull, and the universe as a whole unsatisfactory. It says something that my first thought upon realizing that is to wonder what I am scared of or sad about.
The thing that comes to mind is that I am sad about my divorce. It's been just over a year since Nancy moved out. I look back on my journal entries from last june and I am startled how little is in there, almost nothing of consequence. I can't remember my feelings from back then very clearly, there was so much anxiety and pain in the flashes I do allow myself to recall I wonder if that might not be a boon. My boss was just laughing about a time I got inapproriately upset about building management warning us they'd tow us if we parked in the wrong spot and I remember that that was from this time. I made a series of career limiting emotional displays that first summer at postini. It's placed a hard ceiling on my career here, it is clear though unsaid that I will not be considered for a management track.
My life is so much calmer now than it was then. There was always the effort of creeping around the edges of the eterna-fight just waiting to goose me into idiocy. I am happier but I worry about what kind of future is front of me, I feel like damaged goods, like everyone who knows me knows exactly how close they are willing to let themself get to me and ain't nobody dumb enough to allow themselves to get into any sort of real emotional intimacy with the trainwreck in the franz-joseph (that's what my face hairis called).
I'm also scared I'll never get to the level of financial comfort I want. I was so excited about having free cash but it didn't work out that way. Then I had 400$ in car repair I wasn't expecting and another 400$ for the vet last week. A few hundred here and a few hundred there starts to add up to serious money in very short order. This difficulty is scary because I base a lot of my self-worth on my ability to take care of myself financially. It's not about how much I make so much but "can I make enough, doing what I want and how I want (to a reasonable degree of aproximation) to live the way I want", I am working too hard and living too close for my comfort.
The thing that comes to mind is that I am sad about my divorce. It's been just over a year since Nancy moved out. I look back on my journal entries from last june and I am startled how little is in there, almost nothing of consequence. I can't remember my feelings from back then very clearly, there was so much anxiety and pain in the flashes I do allow myself to recall I wonder if that might not be a boon. My boss was just laughing about a time I got inapproriately upset about building management warning us they'd tow us if we parked in the wrong spot and I remember that that was from this time. I made a series of career limiting emotional displays that first summer at postini. It's placed a hard ceiling on my career here, it is clear though unsaid that I will not be considered for a management track.
My life is so much calmer now than it was then. There was always the effort of creeping around the edges of the eterna-fight just waiting to goose me into idiocy. I am happier but I worry about what kind of future is front of me, I feel like damaged goods, like everyone who knows me knows exactly how close they are willing to let themself get to me and ain't nobody dumb enough to allow themselves to get into any sort of real emotional intimacy with the trainwreck in the franz-joseph (that's what my face hairis called).
I'm also scared I'll never get to the level of financial comfort I want. I was so excited about having free cash but it didn't work out that way. Then I had 400$ in car repair I wasn't expecting and another 400$ for the vet last week. A few hundred here and a few hundred there starts to add up to serious money in very short order. This difficulty is scary because I base a lot of my self-worth on my ability to take care of myself financially. It's not about how much I make so much but "can I make enough, doing what I want and how I want (to a reasonable degree of aproximation) to live the way I want", I am working too hard and living too close for my comfort.
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no subject
Date: 2005-06-30 12:52 am (UTC)i've been having conversations about financial security lately and no one has what they want, there is always more going out than coming in and it's easy to get caught in it and be afraid. i'm very, very often guilty of money fear. this has been a good spring financially and i'm trying to remember that it will most likely always be that way for me. a bit ahead, a bit behind, but i am not homeless or hungry. everything is ok.
i hope people in general, and someone kind in particular, find you and take the risk of knowing you and being close.