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Depression
Dec. 21st, 2005 09:09 pmI stopped taking prozac on my birthday. I'd been pretty sketchy about it for weeks before then and had effectively tapered down. I thought the insights I'd gained and the techniques I'd learned in therapy would let me cope with the depressions.
For a couple months that worked fine, I'd hit some rough spots but between the emotional forward momentum and therapy splat I'd get past it and recover. But starting around thanksgiving I went into this one. I can claw my way through each day to the next but it is so fucking hard. It's like trying to run through a swamp and it keeps getting harder.
It's effecting my work; it's hard to control my anger, my memory & ability to learn are degraded, I don't emotionally connect to my customers, and I have no motivation. I really liked not having to take a fucking pill(s) every morning, I liked having my libido back, I liked feeling like I was "normal".
People occasionally ask me why I don't want to have kids, beside the practical reasons I usually mention, the real reason I don't want to have a child is all the times I wished I was never born. I wouldn't wish the misery of life on anyone else if I have any say in the matter.
After the first couple weeks of this depression I realized I was going to have to start taking it again, but I was hoping I would get through it and be able to go at least six months out of thrall to the pill. I don't think that's going to happen, and I feel like I have doubly failed.
I'd been planning on going out tonight and crashing![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
sheilagh's party. Most of my "friends" are there, several said they wanted to see me and were sure she wouldn't mind me coming (I don't really think she would mind either but she does have a lot of friends who detest me so it's not clear cut). I just don't have the confidence to pull it off, I didn't even have the guts to beg an invitation, I couldn't deal with being told "no", I really couldn't even swallow my pride enough to ask.
My party was a flop. I had very modest expectations of 12-20 people but only 6 showed (8 if you count the kids). It was nice seeing them and I think they had an ok if low-key time but it... wasn't what I was hoping for. When no one had shown up by 8 for a party that ostensibly started at 6 I knew I was in for a disappointment.
So I am going to drink some more (I've been drinking most of the day and can't feel much) and watch police procedurals then go to bed. I'll get up in the morning and try to get in to work. We've got friday off, so it's a three day weekend with most of the stores and things closed.
For a couple months that worked fine, I'd hit some rough spots but between the emotional forward momentum and therapy splat I'd get past it and recover. But starting around thanksgiving I went into this one. I can claw my way through each day to the next but it is so fucking hard. It's like trying to run through a swamp and it keeps getting harder.
It's effecting my work; it's hard to control my anger, my memory & ability to learn are degraded, I don't emotionally connect to my customers, and I have no motivation. I really liked not having to take a fucking pill(s) every morning, I liked having my libido back, I liked feeling like I was "normal".
People occasionally ask me why I don't want to have kids, beside the practical reasons I usually mention, the real reason I don't want to have a child is all the times I wished I was never born. I wouldn't wish the misery of life on anyone else if I have any say in the matter.
After the first couple weeks of this depression I realized I was going to have to start taking it again, but I was hoping I would get through it and be able to go at least six months out of thrall to the pill. I don't think that's going to happen, and I feel like I have doubly failed.
I'd been planning on going out tonight and crashing
sheilagh's party. Most of my "friends" are there, several said they wanted to see me and were sure she wouldn't mind me coming (I don't really think she would mind either but she does have a lot of friends who detest me so it's not clear cut). I just don't have the confidence to pull it off, I didn't even have the guts to beg an invitation, I couldn't deal with being told "no", I really couldn't even swallow my pride enough to ask.My party was a flop. I had very modest expectations of 12-20 people but only 6 showed (8 if you count the kids). It was nice seeing them and I think they had an ok if low-key time but it... wasn't what I was hoping for. When no one had shown up by 8 for a party that ostensibly started at 6 I knew I was in for a disappointment.
So I am going to drink some more (I've been drinking most of the day and can't feel much) and watch police procedurals then go to bed. I'll get up in the morning and try to get in to work. We've got friday off, so it's a three day weekend with most of the stores and things closed.
