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unpleasent emotions
Dec. 10th, 2005 12:00 pmI've been showing a lot of depression signs lately, easily angry for no obvious reason, not getting things done I want, gaining weight, increased inebrient use, sleeping lots, not remembering or thinking well, etc.
So today I am trying, on the assumption depression is the reaction our mind makes to unwanted thoughts and feelings, to take some time out to feel the sad and scared I'm trying to repress. I just spent half an hour on the couch, not watching tv, reading, or doing anything else distracting and payed attention to how my body feels and letting that lead me into my emotions.
The first thing I felt was like a weight on my shoulders, my chest felt sunk and it was surt of like sitting in a dentists chair when they put the lead apron on you. This is sadness in me. I am sad about the upcoming aniversary of my father's death, which led me to the sad that I can't even remember when my mom died. I'm sad my dogs are not as trained as I want (they were pestering me to go play and not just sit on the couch doing nothing and moping), that I don't consistently make the time and effort to play with and train them like I expect from myself. I'm sad about the condition of my siding and roof, I started to get angry at myself for not doing anything about it and used that as lead into my fear (since anger is fear in leather).
I am scared I am incapable of maintaining a house, I have an unreasonable expectation that I can and will do everything my house needs. I was scared that the county was going to make me register my dogs as aggressive (I didn't shut the door completely after lunch monday and they got out, someone called Animal Control on another dog up the street and they saw my guys in the front yard and shoo'ed the two big ones in the open front door and neighbor stuck tip in their yard when she ran, they left a couple hang tags on the door with some fright quotes from the new travis county regulations) and that would cause me to lose my house insurance.
I'm scared I will never be a success at work, while that's not horribly important to me (especially in the long term) I am scared I will get sucked into the comfortable but not successful work niche & never get a graduate degree.
I'm scared I will never have the intimate friendships I've had in the past. The ones now seem like paltry shadows to my memories of the party societies I was in before. I am afraid of fading away.
That was about as much emotion as I could comfortably process, so I sat here to write this down and now I am off to the dog park to burn some doggy energy.
So today I am trying, on the assumption depression is the reaction our mind makes to unwanted thoughts and feelings, to take some time out to feel the sad and scared I'm trying to repress. I just spent half an hour on the couch, not watching tv, reading, or doing anything else distracting and payed attention to how my body feels and letting that lead me into my emotions.
The first thing I felt was like a weight on my shoulders, my chest felt sunk and it was surt of like sitting in a dentists chair when they put the lead apron on you. This is sadness in me. I am sad about the upcoming aniversary of my father's death, which led me to the sad that I can't even remember when my mom died. I'm sad my dogs are not as trained as I want (they were pestering me to go play and not just sit on the couch doing nothing and moping), that I don't consistently make the time and effort to play with and train them like I expect from myself. I'm sad about the condition of my siding and roof, I started to get angry at myself for not doing anything about it and used that as lead into my fear (since anger is fear in leather).
I am scared I am incapable of maintaining a house, I have an unreasonable expectation that I can and will do everything my house needs. I was scared that the county was going to make me register my dogs as aggressive (I didn't shut the door completely after lunch monday and they got out, someone called Animal Control on another dog up the street and they saw my guys in the front yard and shoo'ed the two big ones in the open front door and neighbor stuck tip in their yard when she ran, they left a couple hang tags on the door with some fright quotes from the new travis county regulations) and that would cause me to lose my house insurance.
I'm scared I will never be a success at work, while that's not horribly important to me (especially in the long term) I am scared I will get sucked into the comfortable but not successful work niche & never get a graduate degree.
I'm scared I will never have the intimate friendships I've had in the past. The ones now seem like paltry shadows to my memories of the party societies I was in before. I am afraid of fading away.
That was about as much emotion as I could comfortably process, so I sat here to write this down and now I am off to the dog park to burn some doggy energy.
