Anger is fear

Yet another day I am pissy and easily irritable, more so than usual for those of you who wonder how that is different than any other day. I really am bored by how often it is a trope in my personality. I don't mind being mad, especially if I am mad about something meaningful or worthwhile. But the presented pale, penny-ante, prickly, peevish, paltry pathology pisses me off. My parents called it wandering around like a bear with a toothache. Being really angry makes me feel more powerful, more awake, more alive, this weak step-cousin just makes me feel more isolated and removed.

I signed the waiver of citation for my divorce yesterday, I sure that's a major factor. Quick recap of divorce; someone (nancy) petitions the court for divorce, the court then has to be sure the other party (me) is notified. By signing the waiver of citation I am saying I don't wish to contest the divorce. I actually signed the wrong part and did the global waiver, which means if she wanted to nancy could screw me to the wall since now she doesn't ever have to show me the formal petition.

My shrink is pretty adament that anger is the external active manifestation of fear. That expressions of anger are really initiated by fear. I'm usually not entirely convinced of that, but it holds together pretty consistently so I'm being forced to accept it. I had a real experience of that in my groupshrink last night. We were talking about stuff, one person had been avoiding dealing with their bills, to the point they wouldn't even open them so shrink was trying to convince them to bring their credit card statement to group and look at it in a supportive environment when they can safely enperience their fears and share the experience with the group but they're dragging their heels.

One of the other people got stirred up about someone being "forced" to share their financial information and I interjected with amazement that someone would feel confortable sharing the most intimate details of their emotional lives but find finances too private to share. This somehow morphed into me wanting to snoop into their finances and I started to feel very defensive and got very hostile and angry.

I realized much later that I was angry because I felt like I had been betrayed, tricked into exposing my feelings. I was scared because I felt like I had made myself vulnerable in the group and the others didn't share that vulnerability. I was also afraid that I had been inapproriate and the people in group thought I was bad, that they wouldn't like me anymore.

Canadian Rockies by rail

KUT has been talking about a package tour they're putting together for this summer. Leave here in the mid-August, and spend 7 days riding a train through the Canadian Rockies from Vancouver to Calgary. Airfare, most meals, and such are all included. Sounded pretty cool, I've heard that's one of the most beautiful trips in the world and that's a damn good time to get the hell out of Texas (not that there are that many bad times). I finally got around to looking at their site to find out the details (like the cost). 3000$ (for a double), whoosh that a heap big pile o' wampum. Still I keep having these fantasies about going on this trip and meeting someone really cool who's from Austin.