Broke vs Busted

I've been broke a lot of times in my life. Last week of the month and more bills than money, can't afford something so you put it off, stretching to make things go an extra couple days. But what I am going through now feels different. Like running out of gas in the middle of the desert at night when you haven't seen another car for hours.

I've got 15$ in the bank and a couple hundred in cash. I'm planning on using most of the last of my cash to pay my may mortgage note. I've got a little cash coming in from Raak and a 1 day temp job for election day. I keep looking for work but things are just not happening. Every job I apply for is completely swamped with applicants and I am really applying for everything. Anything remotely related on craigslist, all the temp agencies, target, HEB, every lead I can find. Most places aren't even bothering to respond anymore.

I ransacked my coin jar and managed to come up with enough to buy the dogs another bag of the high end kibble. I thought about buying the cheap stuff but the price difference really big enough to make all that much of a difference. Thought about making them food from scratch but figured out it's cheaper to buy the pre-made kibble and at least it's nutritionally balanced.

I can squeeze out a couple hundred here or there for a while longer, enough to probably keep the lights on & water flowing for the rest of the month but I've been hearing the sound of my engine sputtering for the last month or two. Once I completely run out, when the utilities are shut off and I'm out of things I can sell, which looks to be around mid june at the latest. I'll empty out the house and put it on the market. Once it sells, even in the delapidated condition and as bad as the housing market is (and will be by then) it should give me enough to pay off the people I will have borrowed from and little extra cash.

Then I am just going to float. I might see if my truck can make it up to somewhere cool.

the perils of conspicuous consumption

I took the dogs out yesterday to get some more kibble, and then took them by the park because they've been twitchy from being cooped up by the rain and my misery. On the way there I saw a blond in a red porche carrera convertable in the lane next to and just ahead of me at the light.

I had a surge of rage at her. I just scrabbled through my change to buy my dog food and there is this woman with a sculpted tan driving a car way too expensive for any reasonable utitlitarian need. I wanted to get out of the truck, snatch her out the car and pound her face into ground until no rich man would ever look at her again.

I've still got reasons not to, but they're getting smaller and less effective. There's nothing quite so dangerous as the formerly privileged and affluent who have become desperate and angry. When you feel like you have nothing left to lose but you still have a few resources you become very dangerous. When you are used to the power and prerogatives of the rich it's much easier to step out side the bounds of acceptable behavior. When you look and act like someone who's normally "safe" you can get close enough to get someone.

Summer is coming and there is a lot of anger and desperation out there.