litch: (pajamaboy)
Since I did the sad on the couch I have been fuck-all for getting away from it. I can't seem to stop being sad except for some brief breaks of fear and anger(fear), the best I can manage is to distract myself with a problem at work or otherwise fill myself with busy.

This is what scares me about living in the now, that I will pierce the dike and be subsumed by my emotions. That I will feel so sad or scared that I can't feel anything else and that I will never be able to stop feeling it. I realized driving home tonight I can quantify how scared and sad I am, I am as scared/sad as I am fat. Considering my BMI is 46, that's pretty wrought.

I feel sad every time I slow down enough to really feel my emotions, and scared most of the time I am moving at speed. I don't have a whole hell of a lot objectively to be all that sad or scared about, but that doesn't matter at all emotions exist outside of reason.
litch: (pajamaboy)
I've been showing a lot of depression signs lately, easily angry for no obvious reason, not getting things done I want, gaining weight, increased inebrient use, sleeping lots, not remembering or thinking well, etc.

So today I am trying, on the assumption depression is the reaction our mind makes to unwanted thoughts and feelings, to take some time out to feel the sad and scared I'm trying to repress. I just spent half an hour on the couch, not watching tv, reading, or doing anything else distracting and payed attention to how my body feels and letting that lead me into my emotions.

The first thing I felt was like a weight on my shoulders, my chest felt sunk and it was surt of like sitting in a dentists chair when they put the lead apron on you. This is sadness in me. I am sad about the upcoming aniversary of my father's death, which led me to the sad that I can't even remember when my mom died. I'm sad my dogs are not as trained as I want (they were pestering me to go play and not just sit on the couch doing nothing and moping), that I don't consistently make the time and effort to play with and train them like I expect from myself. I'm sad about the condition of my siding and roof, I started to get angry at myself for not doing anything about it and used that as lead into my fear (since anger is fear in leather).

I am scared I am incapable of maintaining a house, I have an unreasonable expectation that I can and will do everything my house needs. I was scared that the county was going to make me register my dogs as aggressive (I didn't shut the door completely after lunch monday and they got out, someone called Animal Control on another dog up the street and they saw my guys in the front yard and shoo'ed the two big ones in the open front door and neighbor stuck tip in their yard when she ran, they left a couple hang tags on the door with some fright quotes from the new travis county regulations) and that would cause me to lose my house insurance.

I'm scared I will never be a success at work, while that's not horribly important to me (especially in the long term) I am scared I will get sucked into the comfortable but not successful work niche & never get a graduate degree.

I'm scared I will never have the intimate friendships I've had in the past. The ones now seem like paltry shadows to my memories of the party societies I was in before. I am afraid of fading away.


That was about as much emotion as I could comfortably process, so I sat here to write this down and now I am off to the dog park to burn some doggy energy.
litch: (Default)
I've not been paying as much attention to the katrina aftermath as a lot of people, thank the gods I have a job to keep me busy. But given my newshound tendancies I've been paying enough to feel depressed and overwhelmed.

So my advice to anyone else feeling that way:
take care of the people close to you
try to not think about the shit you can't do anything about
give money to the red cross every time you feel guilty
turn off the news
don't read the katriablogs
exercise
try to give people who are avoiding the story some space

to put that in action:katrina politics )
litch: (Default)
I'm not really sure why she is mad at me, it all seemed to start when she came across this line "16.~What would you do if [livejournal.com profile] newblksusan just professed their undying love for you? run screaming for my "space"" from this entry she sent me text messages talking about how hurt she was to read that. But when I suggested that in another post she went ballistic and accused me of projecting my shit on her and telling lies. The telling lies thing is the most common refrain in her tirades and I have not lied about anything as far as I can tell.

The only thing I can think of is that she felt I was "leading her on" but I had tried to be very clear and upfront that I was not comfortable with establishing a particularly emotionally intimate relationship with her. I like her, she's smart and opinionated and interested in a number of the same things I am. We have great sex and I like talking with her. But the thought of an intense emotional involvement, with anyone, right now makes me want to run for the hills. She understood that, she agreed, she talked about how she was Miss Independent and was focused on her classes and getting her Ph.D.

I was going to wait for her to calm down a bit and then try and talk to her and find out what was wrong but she's not calming down, she is commenting to my messages criticizing my taste in stories, isulting me, and generally ragging on me so I blocked her. She's also been sending me text messages insulting and harangiuing me so I blocked those as well.

I'm sad our relationship went to crap over nothing but I am not interested in enduring her rage. Obviuosly she made a mistake in investing the time she did in me, I hope she can get over it quickly and painlessly.
litch: (eye)
You are a fucking asshole and you know why
You're a fucking jerk, asshole and you know exactly why. From the friend of a friend you do not deserve.

I am. I allowed myself to act in a cowardly, craven manner and I really hurt a friend of mine's feelings.

A friend of mine (the one I don't deserve) stayed with me last weekend then went to stay with some other friends of their's in the hillcountry. They were hoping and we'd planned to spend their last night in this part of the country at my place. I was supposed to call them after I got home from work and arrange the details and I didn't. I just spaced on it and completely forgot about calling. It was almost the prototypical guy thing, I was feeling a my space threatened and rather than be a man (or at least an adult) and call them and talk about it honestly and forthrightly I just "let myself forget" and left someone that has been a friend of mine for years in the lurch.
litch: (Default)
I stopped by whole foods on my way in to work in a fruitless search for a meat pastry. As I left I found myself pondering the question of "do I love myself" and the knee-jerk reaction I have of saying "of course I do", wondering if I really do since it sounds a bit defensive in my minds ear. Tried "do I like myself" and had the same reaction (maybe a bit less vehemently) so I tried to fomulate it in a positive way and had a bit of a breakthrough.

I realized I do like and love myself but I am disappointed in myself, I just didn't turn out as good as I was hoping. Serious internalization of my parents apparent perceptions and mindset. While I like myself, I would like myself a lot more if I were just a bit more successful, disciplined, brave, accomplished, thin, energetic, eloquent, and all the other things I aspire towards.

It's particularly nasty since I have the sense that no matter how good I do something I am never going to be good enough, there is no level of performance I could reach where I could not wonder if I couldn't do just a little bit better. Writing about this is tough, it triggers so many memories from my adolescence and post-adolescence, how frustrated I was I could never seem to satisfy my parents (and I wonder now how much of that was me projecting this on them).

So how the hell do I get rid of the disappointment?

My current theory is that I need to try to set reasonable, rational expectations for myself. Respond postitively when I meet those expectations, and if I become aware of one of a lurking disappointment, drag it out of the shadows and laugh at it derisively. I have little ope this will work.
litch: (Default)
I've been angry today. Finding my coworkers irksome, customers inane, friends dull, and the universe as a whole unsatisfactory. It says something that my first thought upon realizing that is to wonder what I am scared of or sad about.

The thing that comes to mind is that I am sad about my divorce. It's been just over a year since Nancy moved out. I look back on my journal entries from last june and I am startled how little is in there, almost nothing of consequence. I can't remember my feelings from back then very clearly, there was so much anxiety and pain in the flashes I do allow myself to recall I wonder if that might not be a boon. My boss was just laughing about a time I got inapproriately upset about building management warning us they'd tow us if we parked in the wrong spot and I remember that that was from this time. I made a series of career limiting emotional displays that first summer at postini. It's placed a hard ceiling on my career here, it is clear though unsaid that I will not be considered for a management track.

My life is so much calmer now than it was then. There was always the effort of creeping around the edges of the eterna-fight just waiting to goose me into idiocy. I am happier but I worry about what kind of future is front of me, I feel like damaged goods, like everyone who knows me knows exactly how close they are willing to let themself get to me and ain't nobody dumb enough to allow themselves to get into any sort of real emotional intimacy with the trainwreck in the franz-joseph (that's what my face hairis called).

I'm also scared I'll never get to the level of financial comfort I want. I was so excited about having free cash but it didn't work out that way. Then I had 400$ in car repair I wasn't expecting and another 400$ for the vet last week. A few hundred here and a few hundred there starts to add up to serious money in very short order. This difficulty is scary because I base a lot of my self-worth on my ability to take care of myself financially. It's not about how much I make so much but "can I make enough, doing what I want and how I want (to a reasonable degree of aproximation) to live the way I want", I am working too hard and living too close for my comfort.
litch: (Default)
Well my yard looks a few hours of work better. Edged everything in the front yard (didn't get the side yard), found my lopers and took out a few upstarts. Cleared the grass out away from the base of the pecan and the sage, I've decided I am going to cut that sucker short. Raked up all the crap I'd clipped and pulled back. Filled the hole tipareth had dug under the fence gate. Whacked the flowerbed. Tried to fix the spigot and wound up just giving up and letting it leak, it's got an anti siphonin dowhidget that's gotten befucked. Threw away the broken sprinkler and found a working one and now I am watching the birds play in the fountain.

Relationships are still scary.

My first relationship was with my mother, that primacy shaped so much of who I am. She was 37 when she had me, she had had 4 other kids and was starting to have grandkids when I happened accidently. I think she felt she had a chance to do it over again right with me, a second chance at motherhood. The problem with that was she became even more over protective than she had been with my sibs. She'd also try to be very encouraging but I think in part because she was a frustrated girl geek from the segregated south she had a tendancy to do it in way that carried a lot of expectation. The two aspects together meant I got told a lot as a kid "you're fantastic" but never allowed any oppurtunity to be fantastic, and anytime I started to fuck up she'd swoop in to rescue me. It doesn't take very many times of that happening before you begins to doubt yourself, to wonder "if I'm all that fantastic how come she never lets me get myself out of trouble?".

Also tied into that frustrated girl geek thing was a serious depression she never did anything about. My dad was away so much while I was growing up that she depended on me for a lot of emotional support. I was the thing in her life which gave her the most pleasure & satisfaction. So with the depression feeding that fundamental lack of satisfaction in her life I couldn't always make her happy. She started seeming needier and needier and that got exacerbated with I started going into puberty while she was hitting menopause full steam.

We had a lot of fights, both of our endocrine systems were spiraling out of control and she was depressed and I was depressed and we were each others primary source of emotional nourishment and it just got ugly. Every time I would fight with her it would rake me that I was hurting the person who ment most to me and who needed me so much, which would make me even more viscious.

Eventually I left and went away to school. Not emotionally equipped for that I didn't do well. I bounced, did the renfair circuit and began to find myself when I was out away from her. Went back to school and started retreating from our relationship, but couldn't completely because she was paying the bills. Spent a lot of time doing the ugly dance of her trying to not antagonize me but constantly undermining herself with her need, trying not to control me but being in a situation where she did control me through finance and her shadow would creep out.

The night before I graduated, I told her I was pagan, bi, and did drugs. She was a republican stalwart who pined for nixon. We had a nasty fight. I was broke and had nothing to do, I moved to Austin to be near [livejournal.com profile] ce_luna who I'd fallen in love with and who'd dumped me the year before.I worked a job as a night kennel boy and overflow euthanizer at the dog pound (on the theory that the first job out of college should be the worst job you can imagine so things have to go up from there). Once I was convinced she wasn't going to change her mind I moved to the mountains, stayed with my sister, then some friends from school and finally a room in a house lost a couple jobs and all my money. When my car died I used the last of what I had to get home to my mom and dad's place in Arizona.

I hated depending on them. Her depression was out of control so she was constantly fighting with either my dad or me or just retreating and not interacting. I couldn't find work and just spiraled down into my misery. My nephew finally got me a job fixing airplanes with him. I used the money from that to buy my truck and tools and went out on the road fixing planes for a while. Spent more time reviewing the person I had discovered myself to me.

I took a vision quest and set about carying out that vision of moving to Austin and marrying Nancy. That seemed to be a turning point in my relationship with my mother. I could begin to forgive her and allow a sort of rapproachment. I have in my files somewhere email from my mother from that era. They are the most miserable, unhappy blandishments you can imagine. Nancy would get mad because I would sink into depressions for days after one of her messages. I was able to provide her some succor, I sent her CD's I found I knew she would like, I would write her about the happiness I was discovering, commsierate with her over the things her other children did or seemed to do to her. But by then her depression had eaten so much of her I don't know if that really mattered, between the distance, and the boundaries I had begun to learn to build, and the obvious focus I had on my own life I doubt she noticed it much.

I was in the shower at the house on Evans when I heard the phone ring late one night, we usually didn't get night calls unless it was someone making a death threat or something (this was back when I was active in CMA). I heard a tone in Nancy's voice that sounded serious so I got out of the shower and she told me my mother had collapsed and they'd take her to the hospital but it took a long time to get the ambulance there and she wasn't responding.

I flew to AZ and when I finally got to go to her side she was on a respirator, her eyes were fized and she was unresponsive to physical stimulation. I still can feel the horror as I would hear the sound and watch he chest rise unnaturally as the machine breathed for her. I kissed her cheek, said that this wasn't my mother, she wasn't here any more and calmly walked out of the CCU to a bathroom where I proceeded to destroy a stall and some other bathroom equipment.

I wish she could have seen my house after we bought it.
litch: (Default)
Ahh the joys that are ssris

So after feeling absoloutely yucky yesterday morning I took that shower and nap then got up and went shopping, did some yard work and watched a lame sci fi movie (Alien Seige) and made some refried beans that didn't taste quite right.

In the bad days before the wonder drug there is no way I could have gone to feeling that low to feeling perky like I do this morning, I'd be in the ditch for at least the rest of the week. Instead I can essentially sleep it off, get up and start over.

I think part of my mood yesterday was the yard, it had gotten pretty jungly I kinda liked it being very natural looking, I would from time to time go through and pull unwanted interlopers and let the res grow as it would but then it started to outgrow that and got more vacant lot looking. Finally my neighbor came by and weed whacked the front strip between the sidewalk and the street. It made me feel really self-conscious and I wrought death (or at least mowing) on all in my dominion, I still need to edge some more and clear out the flower bed in front of the window but it is much more suburbanly acceptable. I think it really was ok, until it started getting hot and I didn;t want to take the time to be as selective about what was growing in my lawn.
litch: (Default)
whining )

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