litch: (Default)
I've been angry today. Finding my coworkers irksome, customers inane, friends dull, and the universe as a whole unsatisfactory. It says something that my first thought upon realizing that is to wonder what I am scared of or sad about.

The thing that comes to mind is that I am sad about my divorce. It's been just over a year since Nancy moved out. I look back on my journal entries from last june and I am startled how little is in there, almost nothing of consequence. I can't remember my feelings from back then very clearly, there was so much anxiety and pain in the flashes I do allow myself to recall I wonder if that might not be a boon. My boss was just laughing about a time I got inapproriately upset about building management warning us they'd tow us if we parked in the wrong spot and I remember that that was from this time. I made a series of career limiting emotional displays that first summer at postini. It's placed a hard ceiling on my career here, it is clear though unsaid that I will not be considered for a management track.

My life is so much calmer now than it was then. There was always the effort of creeping around the edges of the eterna-fight just waiting to goose me into idiocy. I am happier but I worry about what kind of future is front of me, I feel like damaged goods, like everyone who knows me knows exactly how close they are willing to let themself get to me and ain't nobody dumb enough to allow themselves to get into any sort of real emotional intimacy with the trainwreck in the franz-joseph (that's what my face hairis called).

I'm also scared I'll never get to the level of financial comfort I want. I was so excited about having free cash but it didn't work out that way. Then I had 400$ in car repair I wasn't expecting and another 400$ for the vet last week. A few hundred here and a few hundred there starts to add up to serious money in very short order. This difficulty is scary because I base a lot of my self-worth on my ability to take care of myself financially. It's not about how much I make so much but "can I make enough, doing what I want and how I want (to a reasonable degree of aproximation) to live the way I want", I am working too hard and living too close for my comfort.
litch: (Default)
Ahh the joys that are ssris

So after feeling absoloutely yucky yesterday morning I took that shower and nap then got up and went shopping, did some yard work and watched a lame sci fi movie (Alien Seige) and made some refried beans that didn't taste quite right.

In the bad days before the wonder drug there is no way I could have gone to feeling that low to feeling perky like I do this morning, I'd be in the ditch for at least the rest of the week. Instead I can essentially sleep it off, get up and start over.

I think part of my mood yesterday was the yard, it had gotten pretty jungly I kinda liked it being very natural looking, I would from time to time go through and pull unwanted interlopers and let the res grow as it would but then it started to outgrow that and got more vacant lot looking. Finally my neighbor came by and weed whacked the front strip between the sidewalk and the street. It made me feel really self-conscious and I wrought death (or at least mowing) on all in my dominion, I still need to edge some more and clear out the flower bed in front of the window but it is much more suburbanly acceptable. I think it really was ok, until it started getting hot and I didn;t want to take the time to be as selective about what was growing in my lawn.
litch: (Default)
whining )


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May 2009

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