litch: (arr)
Good bleeding gods!
I just saw in [livejournal.com profile] atomslife journal this story: http://www.statesman.com/search/content/metro/stories/09/14dragshow.html
(go to tom's journal if you don't want to use bug me not)

The mayor of roundrock is giving a downtown coffee house a hard time for having a drag show there. When he didn;t feel he was intimidating enough he sic'd the firemarshall on them.

Am I the only person (no) who see's a mayor saying something like "Maxwell said Roberts should pay attention to public perceptions if she's going to stay successful as a business owner." the same way I would a known mafioso say "nice place you got here, shame if something happened to it".
litch: (Default)
So, to keep my head from exploding I started seeing a shrink again back when I was working for Lotus in 2001. I've seen shrinks off and on since I was in 6th grade when the school sent me to one for anger issues. Saw one again in college for more anger issues (not to mention the entire degree in psychology thing) and I tried again after I got married and we had our anger issues come up. Saw yet another after a couple years at lotus, about some anger issues that had come up at work.

I never found any of the people I saw up until I started seeing my current shrink very useful (the grad student I was directed to in college actually did help point out a lot of things, but our personalities never meshed). Some of that was I just wasn't in a place where I was capable of working on the underlying issues. A lot of it was lame ass incompetent shrinks.

Unlike them, the guy I am seeing now, Alan Griffen, has been really useful. He's retiring at the end of the month & I am not planning on seeing anyone else. I feel pretty good with where I am, and want to keep my own counsel for a while. I miss the anger sometimes though, that sounds so pathetic to my minds ear like I'm incapable of sustaining a hearty emotion anymore. But I've bought into the idea that the anger I had depended on for so much of my life is ineffective for getting some things I want and that the sense of power and strength and control it brought were illusory.

I am trying to look behind the anger these days, at the fear and the sadness that underlies the rich, verdant landscape of rage. It makes me feel wimpy a lot, but then that's a part of why I started getting so mad in the first place. I feel much less in danger of having my head explode.

Alan really rocks, he saw me through my two years of unemployment and been really cool while I have gotten my debts under control. But since he's retiring he'd like me to pay off what I owe him, so I applied for a 6k$ loan from the bank this morning
litch: (Default)
I'm not really sure why she is mad at me, it all seemed to start when she came across this line "16.~What would you do if [livejournal.com profile] newblksusan just professed their undying love for you? run screaming for my "space"" from this entry she sent me text messages talking about how hurt she was to read that. But when I suggested that in another post she went ballistic and accused me of projecting my shit on her and telling lies. The telling lies thing is the most common refrain in her tirades and I have not lied about anything as far as I can tell.

The only thing I can think of is that she felt I was "leading her on" but I had tried to be very clear and upfront that I was not comfortable with establishing a particularly emotionally intimate relationship with her. I like her, she's smart and opinionated and interested in a number of the same things I am. We have great sex and I like talking with her. But the thought of an intense emotional involvement, with anyone, right now makes me want to run for the hills. She understood that, she agreed, she talked about how she was Miss Independent and was focused on her classes and getting her Ph.D.

I was going to wait for her to calm down a bit and then try and talk to her and find out what was wrong but she's not calming down, she is commenting to my messages criticizing my taste in stories, isulting me, and generally ragging on me so I blocked her. She's also been sending me text messages insulting and harangiuing me so I blocked those as well.

I'm sad our relationship went to crap over nothing but I am not interested in enduring her rage. Obviuosly she made a mistake in investing the time she did in me, I hope she can get over it quickly and painlessly.
litch: (Default)
So one of the analysts Redwood City has taken offense to something I wrote last week to the point he has filed a complaint with my manager about unprofessional behavior, where's what I wrote:
So a week or two ago I sent something out about /postini/current/bin/logfetch not finding something that could be found with the one that was in /home/[author]/logfetch/lf.

Mr. borin opined that it was because I was using the -i switch. I have never had it explained so I could understand how -i could cause us to get incomplete information, duplication from an entry being split across buckets is clear but unless both buckets were missing it shouldn't be incomplete (and if both buckets were missing the -i switch won't matter). However the lf script was removed to address the conflicting returns.


He's furious about this, the thing that seems to have particulary irritated him is the use of the word "opined".

My working theory is he didn't know what it meant and assumed it was derogatory. We have a conference scheduled for later this morning to discuss it.
litch: (Default)
Hmm

Started getting grump again this morning after I got in to work. Which is wierd because as I was driving in I saw a woman with a 3-4 month old blond lab in the back of a pickup and was delighted to see the dog stick its nose out past the side into the wind the back off and bark at it then stick it's nose back out again. I let myself revel in the delight of seeing that while driving down a nice road on my way into a job that I like that pretty much pays my bills.

Then I got in and started doing things and people started coming up and asking me things and I got glowerous. There are lots of reasons for this to irk me. Formost, I hate when people ask me questions I don't know the answer too, the only thing worse than that are when they ask me a question and I think I know the answer and I turn out to be wrong. Then there is the sense I have that while the local folk like and appreciate me the people back in Redwood City don't or at least consider me more trouble than useful, a marginal employee. My manager knows I rock, but when he gets hit by a bus I'm screwed.

Adding to that, my manager is in a conference room doing phone interviews and is not to be disturbed so everyone is coming to me for administrative as well as technical questions. We really don't have much in the way of a functional QA department, so the normal escalation path for a software company (support->QA->Engineering) means that support has to go to engineering for questions and they get snippy as hell about anything that gets escalated that hasn't been completely vetted to make sure it is a software bug and not a case of working as poorly designed.

Engineering is always interested in writing new code for the upcoming release, they hate to be bothered with fixing problems in existing code, that's much harder and inordinatly more complicated. And of course since QA is not quite there things make it into production that shouldn't and so we wind up with a fair amount of gunk to kick back to them.
litch: (Default)
I just talked to a guy with a cool name, "Bruce Strange". One of the cheap amusements of my chosen professions is encountering cool, unusual or otherwise interesting names.

Two and a half hours ago when i started this message I was irritable, no reason I could figure out, just easily irked. Now I am just pissed, everybody seems to be out to annoy the fuck out of me.

I was feeling irritable last night when I went to group therapy, and talked about it. One of the tropes I have learned there is that when I am angry at everything in the universe it's probably that I am angry at myself and I was trying to figure out why I am angry at myself and what the sadness or fear that underlies the anger.

The only thing I can come up with that I might be angry at myself about is my failure to do all my chores, like changing the a/c filter every month or getting my truck fixed/inspected/registered. The fear beneath that is that I can't competently run my life, do all the chores I need to do to get through my life without something I could prevent exploding in my face.

The stupid thing is that I am actually pretty good about doing that sort of stuff, better than most people at least. I just have this terror I am going to forget to do something I know I need to do and it is going to burn me and it will be all my fault. And it's a rediculous terror, I know shit happens and I am capable of taking care of it and getting out the other side with minimal scarification but the idea of failing some simple chore and having that lead directly to something worse happening just fills me with dread.
litch: (Default)
Well my yard looks a few hours of work better. Edged everything in the front yard (didn't get the side yard), found my lopers and took out a few upstarts. Cleared the grass out away from the base of the pecan and the sage, I've decided I am going to cut that sucker short. Raked up all the crap I'd clipped and pulled back. Filled the hole tipareth had dug under the fence gate. Whacked the flowerbed. Tried to fix the spigot and wound up just giving up and letting it leak, it's got an anti siphonin dowhidget that's gotten befucked. Threw away the broken sprinkler and found a working one and now I am watching the birds play in the fountain.

Relationships are still scary.

My first relationship was with my mother, that primacy shaped so much of who I am. She was 37 when she had me, she had had 4 other kids and was starting to have grandkids when I happened accidently. I think she felt she had a chance to do it over again right with me, a second chance at motherhood. The problem with that was she became even more over protective than she had been with my sibs. She'd also try to be very encouraging but I think in part because she was a frustrated girl geek from the segregated south she had a tendancy to do it in way that carried a lot of expectation. The two aspects together meant I got told a lot as a kid "you're fantastic" but never allowed any oppurtunity to be fantastic, and anytime I started to fuck up she'd swoop in to rescue me. It doesn't take very many times of that happening before you begins to doubt yourself, to wonder "if I'm all that fantastic how come she never lets me get myself out of trouble?".

Also tied into that frustrated girl geek thing was a serious depression she never did anything about. My dad was away so much while I was growing up that she depended on me for a lot of emotional support. I was the thing in her life which gave her the most pleasure & satisfaction. So with the depression feeding that fundamental lack of satisfaction in her life I couldn't always make her happy. She started seeming needier and needier and that got exacerbated with I started going into puberty while she was hitting menopause full steam.

We had a lot of fights, both of our endocrine systems were spiraling out of control and she was depressed and I was depressed and we were each others primary source of emotional nourishment and it just got ugly. Every time I would fight with her it would rake me that I was hurting the person who ment most to me and who needed me so much, which would make me even more viscious.

Eventually I left and went away to school. Not emotionally equipped for that I didn't do well. I bounced, did the renfair circuit and began to find myself when I was out away from her. Went back to school and started retreating from our relationship, but couldn't completely because she was paying the bills. Spent a lot of time doing the ugly dance of her trying to not antagonize me but constantly undermining herself with her need, trying not to control me but being in a situation where she did control me through finance and her shadow would creep out.

The night before I graduated, I told her I was pagan, bi, and did drugs. She was a republican stalwart who pined for nixon. We had a nasty fight. I was broke and had nothing to do, I moved to Austin to be near [livejournal.com profile] ce_luna who I'd fallen in love with and who'd dumped me the year before.I worked a job as a night kennel boy and overflow euthanizer at the dog pound (on the theory that the first job out of college should be the worst job you can imagine so things have to go up from there). Once I was convinced she wasn't going to change her mind I moved to the mountains, stayed with my sister, then some friends from school and finally a room in a house lost a couple jobs and all my money. When my car died I used the last of what I had to get home to my mom and dad's place in Arizona.

I hated depending on them. Her depression was out of control so she was constantly fighting with either my dad or me or just retreating and not interacting. I couldn't find work and just spiraled down into my misery. My nephew finally got me a job fixing airplanes with him. I used the money from that to buy my truck and tools and went out on the road fixing planes for a while. Spent more time reviewing the person I had discovered myself to me.

I took a vision quest and set about carying out that vision of moving to Austin and marrying Nancy. That seemed to be a turning point in my relationship with my mother. I could begin to forgive her and allow a sort of rapproachment. I have in my files somewhere email from my mother from that era. They are the most miserable, unhappy blandishments you can imagine. Nancy would get mad because I would sink into depressions for days after one of her messages. I was able to provide her some succor, I sent her CD's I found I knew she would like, I would write her about the happiness I was discovering, commsierate with her over the things her other children did or seemed to do to her. But by then her depression had eaten so much of her I don't know if that really mattered, between the distance, and the boundaries I had begun to learn to build, and the obvious focus I had on my own life I doubt she noticed it much.

I was in the shower at the house on Evans when I heard the phone ring late one night, we usually didn't get night calls unless it was someone making a death threat or something (this was back when I was active in CMA). I heard a tone in Nancy's voice that sounded serious so I got out of the shower and she told me my mother had collapsed and they'd take her to the hospital but it took a long time to get the ambulance there and she wasn't responding.

I flew to AZ and when I finally got to go to her side she was on a respirator, her eyes were fized and she was unresponsive to physical stimulation. I still can feel the horror as I would hear the sound and watch he chest rise unnaturally as the machine breathed for her. I kissed her cheek, said that this wasn't my mother, she wasn't here any more and calmly walked out of the CCU to a bathroom where I proceeded to destroy a stall and some other bathroom equipment.

I wish she could have seen my house after we bought it.

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May 2009

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