Feb. 26th, 2009

give up

Feb. 26th, 2009 03:11 pm
litch: (Default)
girlfriend told me this weekend that she was afraid I was giving up on myself, it resonated and has been on my mind since

it's complicated, not entirely untrue but I think it misses a lot

I've been trying to let go, to accept the universe as it presents itself to me without expectation or attempt to impose my presuppositions. But it's a delicate balancing act to do that mindfully and with enough self-possession that I can continue to take care of myself. I am acutely conscious of how adept I am at deluding myself and live in constant concern that I am just succumbing to depression and rationalizing with some neo-buddhist claptrap.

The things that used to bring me pleasure aren't, I find myself living more and more inside my own walls (both literally and figuratively). Finding the energy to get through each day is a struggle and I have cut my minimal expectations well beyond what I have held in the past.

I believe I have a lot to offer, particularly if I could get out of this rut headed toward senescence. I am not as sure that what I have to offer is worth the effort it would take to bring it out, certainly no one seems all that interested in expending that effort. I suppose that means while I have not given up on myself, I think the rest of the world has given up on me.

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